WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
