I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
