I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
