Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
