DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
