you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
