Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
