Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
