she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
