bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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