i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
We had to coat check the pizza.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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