so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
