where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
