Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
