It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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