I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize