OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
