If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
