I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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