Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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