I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
