Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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