I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
