My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
