Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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