ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
