i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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