Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
