Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
