I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
