Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
