p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
