i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm getting married
To pizza
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
