obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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