You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
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