hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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