Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
