Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
