Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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