dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
