what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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