So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
