The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
