oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize