Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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