I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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