Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
