Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
