Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
