I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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