at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
