I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
