bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
