Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize