you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
