Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
