Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
