I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
My balls are so social today.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
