how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
you would pick up someone in the library
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
